Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Let's ask the internet for their opinion.

Omg! Your kid is behind on shots! What if they catch something? You're a bad mother!

Omg!. I heard they are putting stuff in those shots that can cause problems in kids! You gave your kids those shots! You're a bad mommy!

What? You breastfeed? But your over weight and out of shape and you don't eat right. Do you really know if that milk is healthy?

You don't breast feed! What the hell is wrong with you? Your poor baby doesn't have a chance!

Your house is so clean and perfect. Man, you must not have a life at all. You must have a empty, void of a life.

Wow! What's with the sink of dishes and the pile of laundry? Someone a bit lazy or what?

You home school? Why? I heard home schooled kids are weird.

You send your kids to public schools? Omg! It's not safe! They will learn all kinds of bad things! Schools don't teach enough these days!

You go to church? Man, that's brain washing. Your gonna have messed up kids you keep taking them there.

You don't go to church?!! Omg! Your soul isn't saved! Your going to hell! Your poor kids!

You let your kids use the internet? That's just crazy. Have you seen what's on there?

You don't let your kids on the internet? Computers are their future! Your holding them back! You're a bad mommy!

Okay. Well, that helped.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

And then, out of desperation, I started recruiting people to talk about teeth.

We've finally found our routine for this school year. A couple weeks ago I was ready to shit can the whole home schooling thing. In my defense I had a tooth pulled and had pms. Sorry men, but it's life. It happens. As if that wasn't enough for the first week of school, Haley went a little dramatic when she saw my jaw swell out from the bad tooth.

She didn't want to eat. She wanted to brush her teeth all the time. She swore they either hurt or were going to hurt. All we heard about was her teeth and how she had to keep them from rotting out. What's worse is she kept pointing out things that were wrong about other peoples teeth. Saying they were too yellow, too crooked, etc... She wouldn't listen to reason. I guess she felt she shouldn't take advice from someone who had to have a tooth pulled. Apparently that's not a person who knew what they were doing, huh? I had Sarge talk to her. I enlisted both the teens to talk to her. If you called or came by my house, you were enlisted to talk to Haley about her teeth.

Finally it worked. Thank God! I thought I was going to lose my mind. Haley is a natural born worrier and she's very dramatic. On the silly stuff, I remind her she's over dramatizing with a hand signal I do, which she has learned means, stop being a drama queen. That's where I put the back of my hand to my forehead and toss my head back dramatically. Much better effect than me just saying it. But the tooth issue was understandable. Well, it could have been less dramatic, but I get why it worried her.

So, I didn't run away or anything. I'm still here. Feeling much calmer. For now.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Do we really need three of everything?

I've had a couple people inquire about what have I been doing that has kept me from posting. Okay, it was people I know in person and they were bitching, but I like my version better. I wish I could say I have been busy having a good ole time before school starts, but it's not been the case. I have spent the last few weeks sorting through and getting rid of twenty years of hoarding.

We don't live in a small house and yet we still have a very large storage area. Our downstairs which is like another whole living space was packed from wall to wall. We had paths to get to areas we needed to go. Being a little OCD, I can't even relax with that much disorganization around me.

Part of it was from where Sarge and I moved in together and combined our households, but he already had two households himself. He had a packed garage and packed shed. He already had a storage area. I got rid of a lot of my stuff and it hardly made a difference.

One day Sarge just decided to get rid of it all. Okay maybe my moodiness had something to do with it, but I really think he just finally saw he had a hoarding problem. Again, I think my version is better.

I didn't get done before school started. We started a couple days ago. I don't cringe as much, though, when people come over. They are so impressed with the difference already that it's like they don't even notice the stuff that still needs done. We now have what resembles a home instead of a storage facility. You would have to know Sarge personally to fully feel the effect of this miracle. No, miracle is not too strong a word in this case.

So, I'm knee deep in de-hoarding and homeschooling, and in another week I will add dance classes on to my list of to do's.

If you need me, I will be in the corner curled up in a fetal position, eating cookies.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

If you can't act like a gentleman...

It was past time to get Mika fixed. He's been driving us all nuts with his horrible lack of control at being a gentleman. Haley has always just thought he was being funny. I figured it was time, before I had to explain the birds and the bee's way to soon. That's not til they're thirty, right?

The closer it got to his appointment, the more I had the urge to cancel the whole thing. He's a little guy. I worried about him going under anesthesia. Yeah, he's a ass hole at times, but we love him. He's a part of the family. And Haley. She freaks out if he cry's over a stubbed toe. If anything were to happen to him we could be facing long, expensive therapy with her.

I puffed out my chest and I faced my fear. Well, after I tried to get Sarge to take him. He had to work, though. Personally I think it was just an excuse, but I couldn't prove it, so I had to except it. So when the day came me and Destiny took him in. What? Someone had to go with me to help me keep him from eating people. He only likes us. Or maybe he just tolerates us because he needs us to feed him and take him out. Between you and me, I think he has control issues. Shh... he's sensitive. He'd get real pissy if he knew I told you that.

Since Mika is snobby and don't like other people they had us take him into a room, and put a muzzle on him before they came in to see him. It happened so fast, too. They came in, grabbed him up in a towel, felt his testicles, (We thought one hadn't dropped, but they were fine.)  gave him a shot of sedative, said, "Okay, wait for that to kick in," and then was gone. I looked over at Destiny and said, " Man, that was like being in a bad part of New York, wasn't it? Poor guy was gagged, felt up, and stabbed in a matter of seconds."

Mika just stood there holding his stabbed leg up. I'm sure he felt they crippled him. Another thing about Mika, he's over dramatic. I know this because all we have to do is rub what he hurts for a second and it's healed. He just needs it acknowledged, I guess. I reached down and rubbed his thigh. Instantly healed. Miracle!

They told us there was a chance the shot could make him puke. A chance. I think he over heard this, so he did it. You know, for dramatic effects. Someone came in and cleaned it up, while he laid on my daughters lap, watching them, fighting to not let the sedative get the better of him. Eventually someone came in and pried took him from us for his surgery.

If I was smart I would have found something for us to do to keep our minds off it, but I didn't, so it was a long, stressful wait. He was also getting two teeth pulled. Baby teeth that refused to come out even after the adult ones came in. I know. Poor guy was getting it from both ends.

I was so relieved when we picked him up. The worst was over! So I thought. I didn't plan for him being able to get the cone off his neck. He took it off three times by the time we got home and got him settled. Seems his neck is bigger than his head. I would really like to see something invented for that. You know, in case anybody inventy is reading this.

Old plans out the window. New plans instated. We all had to take shifts watching him. No getting up running around and absolutely no licking the stuff. Our house resembled when you first bring your new born home from the hospital. Everything was about him. Also, a newborn you can put in their crib and get some sleep. He was more like a newborn that could already walk around and do things.

It was a exhausting week. With the unexpected change in Mika's healing process I didn't get things ready for my yard sale. Now we have Haley and Sarge's birthday, which are on the same day, school is getting ready to start, regular dance classes are getting ready to start, and this year Haley is doing competition, so I don't even know what to expect there yet. So guess what? No yard sale! We have already taken a truck load to Goodwill and there's more getting ready to go.

I still think the yard sale bandit thing was a good idea, though.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Yard sale bandits. It could happen.

It was like an out of body experience or something. I heard the words leave my mouth and I couldn't do anything to stop myself. I'm claiming temporary insanity. I told my family we would have a yard sale. I know. I don't know what I was thinking. Well, clearly I wasn't thinking at all. Normally I'm a donate kind of person.

About every ten years I do a garage sale. Apparently that's the length of time it takes for the memories of them to wear off. My last yard sale was only about five years ago, so I may be able to use that as a way out of this. Something about statues of limitations should do it, maybe.

I do have another idea, though. I was thinking I could sneak it out and donate it, and then tell my family we were robbed, and that the robbers only stole the yard sale stuff. I know. You're probably thinking how unlikely and that they won't believe me. I thought that too at first.

So what I was thinking was that you could say they struck at your house too. We could name them the yard sale bandits and say things like," the yard sale bandits struck again!" We could seriously make this a thing. None of us would have to do yard sales again. Think about it.

Oh come on! It's not like it hasn't been done before. Shall I remind you of Santa and the Tooth Fairy? You don't seem to have a problem going along with those and let's face it, there's a lot of holes in those stories. Would yard sale bandits really be much different?

Fine. I'll have the yard sale. But just to let you know. I am not happy about this!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

This tooth fairy needs wine.

Haley has her first loose tooth. She was all excited when she discovered it. It was cute. Now, not so cute anymore. It's all she talks about! She wont quit messing with it either. Today she told me her tongue was sore. I warned her that if she didn't leave it alone things would get sore. I told her. She never seems to believe me when I tell her I know stuff.

We have went over, quite a few times, how this whole thing is going to go down. That it will get looser and looser til it finally comes out, and then she can place it under her pillow for the tooth fairy. She's impatient, though. She wants it now. I don't know where she gets this from.

I left out the stuff like that there sometimes is a little blood. I also didn't suggest any ways for her to hurry the process along. She's five, practically six in a month. Even though I view her as a very smart child I couldn't see her being ready to tie herself to a door knob by her tooth. I was picturing drama happening. For me, drama is kinda like getting the flu. Or giving birth. I don't know. I think I would possibly rather give birth. Depends on the extent of the drama. For a tooth catastrophe maybe not the giving birth thing. But anyway, you can see I don't do drama.

Destiny apparently forgot this about me because she filled her in on not only ways you might try to get a tooth out, but also that there may be blood. When a older sibling clues in a younger sibling that you are trying to keep in the dark on a few things, that older sibling should have to take care of a set of two year old twins, by their self, for like, a week. I mean let the punishment fit the crime, right?

Now I want this tooth to hurry up and come out. The others wont be such a show after she's already done it once, right? The good news is that I didn't write in her baby book, first tooth, second tooth, third tooth, etc... as they came in. My theory is that they are going to come out in the same order they grew in, so I can fill in those blanks in her baby book. Genius, right? I know. I amaze myself sometimes too.

Do you think I should tell her that the tooth fairy isn't a big, hairy man who lives in a trailer, and says get r done?

Friday, July 5, 2013

Everyone agrees on the beach, and there's no driving.

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I let myself get caught in a drama bubble. I'm usually good at dodging those, but sometimes they side swipe you anyway. I will never understand people who like drama. Those people that actually need it or they become antsy. I've never been that bored. It always seems like a waste of precious time to me. Each to their own, I guess. Still. I'd much rather read a book, or have my leg hairs plucked out one at a time.

Anyway. The trip to the lake went pretty good. Apparently Mika isn't much on trips because he puked in his cage on the way there and he acted like a neurotic mess the whole trip. I can't really judge him for this trip, though. He needs fixed and hasn't been himself lately. He's driving me crazy! I'm not use to dealing with this. Not in this species anyway.

We had a little trouble finding our cottage. We realized when we got there the owner hadn't given us the actual address. We had the platt it was in and photos. It was a very small platt of about five or six streets so we figured it wouldn't be hard to find. Twenty minutes of driving back and forth and showing people the photos, and nobody recognizing it, we finally found it. We also found out why nobody recognized it by the photos. Either those photos were extremely old, or extremely photo shopped.

It was run down and smelled of must and mildew. This woman who looked to be in her sixties owned it. She was odd. She was always lurking around at night in the dark doing things. Once she was in her night gown lugging mattresses around in the rain. Sarge teased saying it was the Bates motel and she was Mrs. Bates. It might have creeped me out if I hadn't already been a little creeped out by my own thoughts of Jason's mother in Friday the thirteenth.

The first night we had plans to go do some fishing, but the teens pooped out on us. However, Haley still insisted we go. The child who doesn't like to fish. We went. After twenty minutes of chasing lighting bugs she was done. "When can we leave?" "I wanna go back now." We pretty much just set up and packed up. No fish were caught. I looked at a lot of lighting bugs, though. You know, cause they are all different.

We spent most our time at the beach. When you have kids of both sexes, varying ages, and total different interest, it can be hard to take them anywhere all together. The beach is perfect, though. The differences don't matter there. It's something they all three love. It might possibly be the only place they agree on.

My sister came and spent the day with us. I don't think she appreciated my ability to get around in territory that was foreign to me. I passed things and had to turn around and go back. I stopped at intersections where I wasn't supposed to stop, while the people who had a stop sign may have been a little annoyed. I don't know this for sure. They may have just been patiently waiting for me to figure out I had the right away.

I'm use to four lane roads. When I see two lanes and then an island in the middle, and two more lanes, I assume the two on my side are mine and the two on the other are for the opposite direction people. Apparently this time they were total different roads. So when I pulled out I got in the left lane because I was going to turn left shortly down the road. It was fine for a minute, until we looked up and saw a car driving towards us. "Um, Chantelle!" "Oh shit. I'm supposed to be over here." I said while moving over into the other lane. We had plenty of time so it wasn't like a scary game of chicken or anything.

Truthfully I owed her that. Back in my teens or early twenties, she was the one driving. She had got in the left turn lane without realizing it. I thought she wanted to go left so I didn't say anything. Until the light changed to green and she went straight. "Um, car!" I said excitedly. So after twenty or more years, she got her karma.

Now I just have to get my mom back. I owe her a lot bigger, though. She took me and my teenage niece shopping one day. My niece was in the back seat and I shared the front with my mom. We were leaving the shopping center. It was one of those shopping centers that had a long exit and entrance ramp that went straight up because they sometimes build shopping centers in giant holes, I guess.

Right at the same time she pulled onto the ramp a cigarette ash blew into my eye. My eye was watering and I couldn't open either of them. About that time was when my niece yells, "Grandma! Your going the wrong way!" You would think it would have been better to not be able to see the oncoming traffic, but it wasn't. I was freaking out, trying to get my one good eye open. "What! What!" I said over and over while trying to pry my eye open. By the time I got it open it was over. Luckily it was a wide ramp and she was able to make it out by just moving over.

Driving is not my family's strong point. Sarcasm is. My theory on this is that we're not meant to drive. We were meant to be chauffeured around in a limo. Apparently whoever in our family that was supposed to become rich and famous, dropped the dime, and left everyone having to drive themselves, when clearly we were not made for that. I'm sure that's it.